How to Have a Civil War.

By Solomon Mandrake, yes.

War can be a bother at the best of times, but there is no excuse for bad manners, even when dressed in camouflage. War should not be a burden. Your enemies will be comfortable when you are comfortable.

Relax. To get the war underway send a written invitation, giving date, time and - where advisable - some idea when you expect them to leave. For example:

Dear Mr Hussein, [or Saddam if - like a member of our fair and balanced British press - you are on first name terms]

George and I will be delighted if you and your troops can come for a war on Sunday, March 30th at 12.30pm. We hope for a fine day and to tempt you to join our chaps for a relaxed desert walk before they return you to Baghdad in a body bag.

With greetings,
Tony

You should always be ready for your guests so that you can give them your entire attention, even those who arrive early, although in my book it is as rude and inconsiderate to arrive too early as too late and those who do so deserve to be shot.

Remember to welcome your guests to the theatre of carnage by taking their coats and hats. Be sure everyone participating in the war knows where the lavatory is, as shy soldiers may not care to ask.

To some extent hand shaking at the start of battle has been dropped, but if your enemy does want to shake hands do so firmly, and look them in the eye. A wink could be considered rude - resist the urge, if you can.

It must be remembered that to end a war one side must politely give up. It isn’t easy but is the only way.

The best advice here is the oldest: “forgive and forget”. Try to bury the very subject of the war in your mind, and forgive the cause. Assuming there was a tenable fucking reason for starting the war in the first place.