Here's an idea I thought up as long ago as the Christmas of 1986. Shooting had finished that winter on the macabre set of the gothic masterpiece that is the film Gothic that I am in. The director (and a very close personal friend of mine) Ken Russell had accidentally left his favourite scarf in my trailer and I had accidentally taken it home - so I took the opportunity to invite him over to collect it on Christmas day.

He agreed, and there was no time to waste…

You will need:
Some cardboard tubes
Black or purple crepe paper
Sherry

NOTE As a precaution, tie all your hair up in a ponytail before you start and drink all the sherry, then what you do is this. Quick!

1. Cut a strip of crepe paper long enough to wrap around your head, and tape the two ends together. Fold this up tight and put it inside one of the cardboard tubes.

2. Write a joke on a piece of paper (e.g. "What's Dracula's favourite dance?" ) and put the punch line on the other side (in my case, "The fang-dango"). Add this to your tube. Now what you need is a gift.

3. The best thing about making your own crackers is you can put something meaningful inside to tell the other person (in my case, the inspirational movie director Ken Russell) how you feel about them. On this occasion I used some of Ken's own head hairs (see me, last month for how to get hold of them) - but you can use whatever you like.

4. Wrap up your tube in crepe paper and twist the ends all up.

5. Think festive!!!

6. Repeat this process until you have plenty of crackers (I recommend about 30 to make sure).

7. When your guest arrives, lock the door and suggest that he joins you in pulling a festive cracker or two. Remember each time you pull one to shout "BANG!" when the paper breaks.

8. Think explosive.

NOTE Don't worry if you keep winning all of the prizes - just smile and carry on piling the hats on your head until your subject (in this instance, Ken Russell) is standing in a plush carpet of gifts. If your subject asks where you got all the gifts from, don't tell him. When he gets angry and demands you unlock the door and let him out, just do as he says. Remember - you've still got his favourite scarf!

Next year hopefully: Julian's Sands - my coastal tour of Britain's best beaches. Wizard!