Your letters and cat news.

Here we are again! It seems like it was only yesterday that I filed my report on the strangely beautiful world of the cat. Still, time sure do fly when you're having fun - and that's one thing the last month has been filled with - fun and games, and more fun, fun, fun.

Before I get down to it though, I'd like to mention a letter I've had from a Mrs Fatfinger from Essex. Mrs Factfinder writes that her ginger tom, MARK ROBERTS, has been scaring Dominic (her hubbie) witless by staring at him sarcastically whenever he sees him. Apparently Mr Footwinder wakes up each day to find MARK ROBERTS perching on his bed-side table, glaring into his half-opened eyes.

She finishes her letter by adding: "This is ruining my marriage. Jamie if there's anything you can do to save it - please help me!"

Any-hoo, on with the news. The world's oldest living cat, JAMBOO, is no longer living anymore. JAMBOO, 58, from Boston, Massachusetts had been suffering for some time from cancer of the whiskers. He leaves behind two owners, Bibby and Redburn.

"I made this one out of some bits of other cats... got confused" - Theakston

On a lighter note, SPANKY MANSIONS, a 4-year-old tabby from Luton has been picked from a group of 2000 hopeful pussies to star in the new $50million movie adaptation of Tom and Jerry. The film, which goes into production next month, is the brainchild of spooky spacko director Tim Burton's brain. So far he has cast SPANKY as Tom and Tina Turner as the obese stripey-legged housewife. He is currently scanning the world's pet population for an orange mouse and a fat, white bulldog that can speak in a New Yoik accent. My sources tell me that DIY shitface Tim Allen is desperate to land the part of the postman.

Time for JAMIE'S BIG CAT BULLETIN. The two lions, BIFF and PARKER who were last month accused of mugging a disabled tiger in Colchester have been released due to lack of evidence. The victim, a 52 year old Bengal called ELLINGTON (who can't be named for legal reasons) is said to be distraught at the decision. Elsewhere, dead funnyman Peter Sellers' pet pink panther DUCHESS has finally been coaxed down from the tree which she has been cowering up since April.

Any-old-hoo. That's it until next time. Remember - keep your tail high and your paws clean. And your arse.