Talking to Jesus and God is a really boring but very big part of being a Xtian - whether it's by saying "hello Grace", speaking in a tongue or hailing a Mary - and you must do it every day like brushing some teeth.

Big famous Christian Phil Collins says he's been talking to Jesus all his life, and he has, fat lot of good it's done him, but still. Do it anyway.

If you're a working classes there's a book of common prayers for you to use called just that, The Book of Poor People's Common Pond Life Prayers, and you can get it on the dole, or off a bookies.

If you're a rich criminal like Jeffrey Archer you just use one prayer called the M'lud's Prayer which costs more.

To start off a praying session you must first say "Dear God, hello, yes, are you there?" and to end it you say "Thanks, I've finished now, amen" and then hang up.