So now you know that God is your Father, good. But did you know that He's also got another son called Jesus, and that Jesus isn't your brother, He's your very best friend and He's with you always? Well it's true.

For example when you're in the pub getting lagered up on wine, Jesus will be there too, and when you get home and wank yourself off in a bed, sure enough there He'll be, tickling your balls. The only time Jesus leaves your side is when you have a poo, and then he waits just outside the door, listening.

Jesus is sometimes also called the Messiah, and is like a latter-day David Blaine, who died for your sins, suspended, cross and a bit hot in a Perspex box overlooked by Ken the Mayor while people threw sausages at him, for their funs.

People sometimes get cheesed off and take the Lord's name in a van, saying sweary things like "Oh bloody Christ" or "fucking Jesus, what a cunt".

But you mustn't do this, not as a Xtian, it's blaspheming. What you can do instead though when you're "on the cross" mood is start bleeding from bits of your body in likeness of Christ's wounds.

This is called "the stigmata" and comes in many types, for example "stigmata of the dump", which is when you bleed from your anus in likeness of Christ after a hot curry. COMING UP: CHRISTENINGS