This big beard-wearing bad boy is what it's all about, and you'll need to get Him on board if you want your church to flourish. Write Him a nice letter, asking if He'll consecrate all over your grounds. Address it to The God, The North Pole, and allow 28 days for a starter pack of holy waters, wines and wafers for your shed. God is nice like that, but He can also be nasty. Love Him and fear Him - a little bit like your girlfriend's dad. But who in Hell's tooth is He? What does He look like? Nobody knows for sure but it's thought that He magicked up the world and everything innit, and looks like David Bellamy.

The Lord (what some people call God) is your shepherd and people (human beings) are His sheep, not human beings at all. The church is His flock, which makes you His little helper on the ground responsible for rounding them up and scaring them silly. Think of the church like One Man and His Dog - only God is the man and man is the dog, and do you know what dog spells backwards? That's right - nothing - dogs can't spell (especially ones with no nose). Well done. You're now well on your way to being a Christian (or Christina if you're a lady). Next: JESUS