To run your church efficiently you'll need a calendar - not one with Hollyoaks
on it or cats or boobs or footballers - get a proper Christian one that shows pictures of Jordan.

One of the big dates in your Christian calendar is called Easter which is when you eat your hot, cross nuns. It lasts four days in total and these are called Good Friday, Easter Sunday, Shrove Tuesday and Making Love By Wednesday.

Another word for Easter is "Lent", which is why when you celebrate Easter in your church you should say to the congregation "give it up for Lent!" and they'll all go wild.
During Easter you also have Harvest Festivals.

These are like God's organic delivery box, which you must give him once a year in celebration of his favourite gastropub, the Harvesters. See also: Happy Eater Sunday, All Sainsbury's Day and Jif Lemon Day.