Next up you'll need to get your bad Christian self inside a church. But what does it consist of? Well a church is any group of people (known as a "church") who get together on Sundays in a cold building (called a "church"), and become part of the global network of Xtianity, or "the Church".

You could start your own church if you like - just build a shed and meet a friend there, show him your organ and hey bisto, you have formed a church, you're in a church, you are married to the church. Now ask your friend for some money to fix the roof.

Because you run the church, this means you are the McVicar so you'd better start acting like a one. Steal a dog off a collar and put it round your neck, put on a big black dress and start fiddling with young choir boys. If you want to later on you can become a Baptist or a bishop or the Pope - by eating some locusts, drinking from a bath and wells, or getting really fat and old and living in Italy, whichever or both. Next UP: GOD - WHO IS HE?