A Christening is how a baby gets his name, and as a vicar you'll have to do this.

First cut the umbilical cord, put the baby in a bag and then take it to a bar. Wet its head, have a Mr Porkys and then go home. Hey presto: the baby is named.

Some people use a baby book to find a good baby name for their baby, but don't encourage this, you're a Christian. Use your good Bible book instead and give the little one a proper Christian name, that's what it's fore after all.

Open the good book at random and stick your finger in it. There.

Many good Christian names have been chosen in this way including Joshua, Jeremiah, Deuteronomy, Leviticus, Ruth, Daniel and Numbers.

HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS: PRAYER.