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Big Baby Crying over lost Diana
funeral footage. This
week the three letters B, B and
C should have stood for Big Baby Crying
(like I did in the headline) rather than British
Broadcasting Corporation, as big-knobbed BBC-ers
shot themselves in their feet (probably with crossbows)
with the loss of another important film archive.
Like last years Dad’s Army
fiasco, but on a much worser scale, it has been
discovered that the BBC has lost the tapes of
Princess Diana’s funeral.
In a quick bid to keep the British
public happy they plan to re-shoot the whole days
events in time for this year's 5th anniversary
of her high-octane action-packed death.
Top BBC royal correspondent
Jenny Bond has been in talks with Buckingham Palace
in a hope to exhume the remains of the "People's
Princess" for the coffin sequence, but Prince
Charles is adamant that his not-so
"dead sexy" dead wife will not have
to go through her funeral again.
The Beeb's plan B was to use
the corpse of Jan Dildo, TV’s erstwhile crime-busting
Diana dopple-gangbanger, but widower Nick Ross
is, like Charles, reluctant to let his rotting
wife be unearthed.
Thankfully a member of the royal
family has come to the rescue for the BBC in a
multi-million pound deal that will show the world
his failing company isn’t just out for a
quick buck.
Wannabe media mogul Prince Edward
has agreed to let his wife, Princess Sophie of
Wessex, to take on the role of dead Diana, as
long as his company, Ardent Productions, gets
to film the whole days filming.
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| Experiment 5.1.3
- A candle in some wind. |
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Sophie will be locked inside
the coffin in Paris and flown to London in time
for a mock-up funeral ceremony at Westminster Abbey.
The wooden box with Sophie inside will then be hauled
onto a hearse and driven through the streets of
the capital by Jeremy Clarkson. The BBC hopes to
use computer generated crowds throwing digital flowers
at the vehicle, to save the public from having to
come out and get all hysterical again.
Unfortunately Sir Elton
John is unavailable to tinkle the ivories to his
hit balled Candle in My Wind because he's
"too busy", and so aptly filling his
shoes (and wig) will be not-so famous looky-likey
Reg Dwight, who has agreed to mime along to the
record.
Once at Althorp House the coffin
will be lowered into a 6ft hole in the ground,
the hole filled with mud, and Princess Sophie
will stay there for 12 hours under strict supervision
from David Blane.
Sony are lending the Princess
a Gameboy to keep her entertained, and Walkers
are supplying a bumper multi-pack of crisps, if
they get their logo on the side of the coffin. |
