Craig Charles admits sex attack.

Gobby Scouse spitpig Craig Charles has spoken to Idiotica candidly about his troubled sexual troubles in an interview involving him, us, one of those small tape recorder things, two chairs, a bowl of olives, and him.

Charles, who was spotted staggering around outside our Beak Street offices with penis in hand, had to be lured indoors by showbiz journalist Greta Hogg standing in the doorway wearing only her bra and hat.

“Craig looked dazed and confused as he rushed towards me with his sweaty lurid grin,” Greta said. “ And then suddenly, when he saw my face, he snapped out of it.” Charles now openly admits that he had undergone what he terms one of his “sex attacks”.

The red-faced black Dwarf actor/poet explained that he is sometimes overwhelmed by a sudden urge to “do it” with himself, as though he has been “possessed by sex demons, from space”.

The spasms take over the actor’s whole body and bits of his mind and can strike at any time – even while out shopping for doilies around the corner and down a bit in trendy Carnaby Street.

The fat robot enthusiast also admits to having nap attacks, crap attacks, snack-a-jacks and all the pie eating attacks as well as the occasional urge to shout “awooga!” and “smeg!” for no good reason.