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Catman, DON'T!
Our American friends,
ever eager to find the secret of eternal
life, have hit upon a CAT-tastic new-fangled
idea that will extend their human life expectancy
almost tenfold times.
The results of a secret
experiment, conducted in a cryogenics laboratory
in LA, have been leaked to top Idiotica
science man Jonny Moment (that's me) and
I now have those facts here.
Combining the latest technological
hi-tech technology with strands of DNA from
a cat, the boffins behind this American
experiment believe they have given
a man nine lives.
Randy Truman, the guinea-pig
cat-man lab-rat in this life-lengthening
research has found there are positive and
negative sides to his new experience.
"They reckon I’m
gonna live to be about 900 years old,"
said Randy. "But the best thing about
having them cat guts inside me is whenever
I fall off something I always land on my
feet."
Unfortunately for Randy
certain unforeseen problems have begun to
arise. It is believed that, despite living
well into the next half of this millennium,
Randy will be condemned to a life of entering
his house through a hole in the door, plus
a strong desire for catnaps, catnip, catamarans,
catapults and licking his own catty arse
clean with his disgusting cat tongue.
Me-OW!
How do cats lose their lives?
The top nine CATaclysmic CATastrophes.
1. Catty cancer
2. Eaten by dog
3. Eaten by Vietnamese
4. Old-age
5. Trapped under floorboards
6. Skinned alive
7. Public hanging
8. Base-jumping
9. Tied to kitchen sink and beaten with
a piece of flex |
