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The Thames they are a-changin'.
Traffic congestions in
central London have hit critical levels
recently and plans have now been implemented
to put a stop to what is increasingly becoming
known as “the gridlocks”.
The river Thames, a dirty
great piece of wet water running through
the centre of the capital is to be drained,
and the bottom of the river turned into
a US-style freeway.
Stretching from Teddington
to the Thames barrier the new road will
alleviate London’s incoming and outgoing
traffic alike by letting it all come in
and go out again all faster through the
middle of the city.
Plans are already underway
to get rid of all the waters. “Next
time the tides goes out and the river is
all low on its bottom we’ll put down
the Thames barriers and not let the waters
back in again. Whatever waters are left
over can be bottled up and sold to Jap tourists,”
said Ken Livingstones, the mayor, and the
man in charge of the whole sorry mess that
is London.
Building of the road is
said to be getting under feet ASAP. It’s
reckoned that nearly a million tonnes of
concrete will be almost enough to cover
the river’s slimy bed of jonnies, sewage
and corpses. On top of that will be a layer
of tarmac as thick as your foot, with some
white lines painted on it to make it look
nice (and show where the traffic is supposed
to go along).
Then the new road will
be "ready for car". A grand opening
is planned for April 2003, when the first
cars will be allowed to go on top of it.
Doing the honours with the big scissors
and even bigger cigar will be Sir Jiminy
Saville, with entertainments provided by
“Mr Madonna” Shane Ritchie and
the cast-offs from Grease.
A bit below
the green-belt?
Enviromentalists
are up to their arms in trees at the new
big road news. Says lefty do-gooder Dave
Chutney “There’s 25,000 Chinese
crabs that live in that there Thames. What’s
Ken Livingstones going to do about them?”
“Fuck
‘em” replied Ken. |
