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Big hot political potatoes.
Boffins, with cresting erections
and sleepy dust heavy in their eyes, have emerged
weak from a week of talks, talking with Tony "Bony"
Blair; wet grins smacked onto their speccy, fat
faces - or so I hear. Yes.
The PM has been consulting
people with eggs for heads in hope of discovering
a cure for "apathy" - a potentially
interesting disease which involves tosses and
fucks not being given all over the place.
Blair has been advised by these
brainiacs that he needs to pare things down a
little. He needs to chop a bit off. He needs to
remove certain peculiar distractions to help focus
the British mind.
The new thinking trumpeted
at by Tony "square" Blair involves altering
not just the vocabulary employed by his citizens
but also the very way they actually conceive various
concepts, conceivably a radical move, conceptually
speaking. Unnecessary rubbish MUST be lost - only
worthy thoughts may be kept for future inspection.
We start with perspective.
Blair and his "Bony
Square Cronies" have made it fucking and
abundantly clear that they're not happy with certain
existing dimensional restrictions. Basically,
"near" should be nearer to "far"
than it is at the moment currently - which is
quite far away. Closing the gap between near and
far could only improve our image of each other,
in a spacial sense. If we dispense with the old,
archaic notion of distance, then surely we can
only benefit from our new-found "form-freedom".
"Far-fetched" will no longer seem so
implausible, a "near miss" will appear
more just - and a threatened visit from
a "distant relative" will carry none
of the infuriating implications inherent in the
existing "so near, so far" culture.
"Up" and "down"
are also, finally, to be reunited. The entire
philosophy of Blair's New Britain holds dear the
belief that "up" is no better than "down".
Who - I ask you - is to say that a man looking
up is in any way superior to a man looking down?
No one is, that's who, Why? Because he's not.
"Down-grading" is as balls as "one-upmanship",
and if you are "upstanding", well then
- you might as well sit down.
"Wet" and his
big brother "dry" are also subjects
of the pushing-together exercise. Liquid and solid
are to be married in a 'fusion of states wedding'
resulting in the communion of all things sopping
and all things dusty. A "dry sense of humour"
will no longer be funny, and anyone claiming to
be "wet behind the ears" will be viewed
as a lunatic.
How about VOLUME?
How many times a day do we
find ourselves saying: "I can't hear you
Steven!" or "Shut the fuck up Maddy,
I heard you the first time"?
Several, at least. The gaping
chasm that presently divides loud and quiet serves
only to create a crippling difference between
those who "shout" and those who "doubt".
The new Blair initiative will place "Whispering
Bob Harris" atop a wide pinnacle next to
a fat rebel yell or the likes of "Screamin'
Jay Hawkins". "Quiet" thoughts
swim in slow peace with great stitched "loud"
jumpers in a quite deep pool of average noise.
Silence will be banned, and the deaf will be shot
like dogs.
These are the rumours in the
corridors of power.
How soon is now?
Blair
has laid out his vision for the new Britain (see
main story, this page), and promises that change
is "close at hand". But beneath that
suit and tie - is he skirting around in suspenders
and a bra around the issue of time, like a lady?
And what about the future? Is it to become the
new past?
North/South divide
Under
the new Blair regime, is Beak Street north or
south of the river? You may think it irrelevant,
but try telling a London taxi driver whether he's
coming or going. Will Wales and Kent bear the
brunt of the new North/South divide? All of this
and more is questions I thought up today. |
