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Blair unveils vision for key-bored
Britain. Keys, the very
things everyone keeps in a bunch and hangs off
my trousers, are to become sidelined by the march
of technology and laid by the wayside, near the
scrapheap of can-openers, scotch eggs, cling film
and cargo pants.
In today’s time-poor,
push-pull, slapsies you’re it no return
white rabbit convenience culture the door key
is now said by Tony Blair to be a "wrong-headed
and inefficient" method of opening its ideological
counterpart, the door lock.
Instead plastic swipe cards
will be the keys of tomorrow leaving traditional
keys as the fobbed-off and funny-shaped bits of
metal of yesterday, or even the day before.
Handy, light-weight and
pocket sized, these swipe cards come shaped in
the very size of credit and are all set be the
future of opening, when it happens, sometime in
the next couple of weeks. Government officials
are already planning a brighter, smoother, key-free
Britain, with Peter “Nelson” Mandelson
being fingered by the Prime Minister as his new
Secretary of State for Swipe.
SKELETON
KEYS
HOW THE CHANGES WILL AFFECT
YOU
- Manufacturers of key-rings
and key-fobs will be shot.
- Top TV peep show Through
The Keyhole will become Beyond My Swipe Slit.
- In the world of music the
first keys to go will be F (a difficult key
to play in) followed closely by C-sharp, D-flat,
and H.
- Key-themed fun
world Keywest in Newkey will be turned into
a waterslide park instead.
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