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Who wears the ice caps?
Polar ice caps (worn by trendy
polar bears) in the Arctic are disappearing at
a rate of forty metres a year, one metre per year
faster than previously thought, new research shows.
Previous estimates had guessed at at thirty nine
metres disappearing a year, give or take a metre,
but new reports show it's actually just
a little bit more than that. So how did
they get it so wrong?
In the original study, scientists
working in freezing conditions had been using
very long rulers to measure the decreasing ice
amounts, but had forgotten to take into consideration
the contraction of the ruler size, due to the
coldness.
Now that this error has been
rectified, however, it is feared that way too
much ice is being chopped off the bears' ice
caps by Eskimos and sold to Coca-Cola to
cool down their warm brown fizzy drinks.
Scientists have asked Coca-Cola
to find other ways of making their beverages cold:
burying it underground is one idea, and taking
it to the top of a mountain is another, both of
which are said to be “totally unworkable”
by Coca-Cola.
Instead, the multi-national
corporation plans to use its multi-national corporateness
to sway the ice industry into letting it use as
much polar ice cap as it fucking well wants, so
long as it continues to sponsor Christmas, meaning
smaller ice-using companies will just have to
go without.
Drinks that can’t be drunk
without ice, like Gin and also Tonic, will soon
be a thing of the past as Coca-Cola becomes the
sole user of the planet's ice supplies, laying
claim to polar ice caps everywhere by sticking
big red flags in them that say Coca-Cola.
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