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STOP hammer time.
DIY enthusiasts everywhere are
up in each other's arms about a new law making
it illegal to use a hammer. The government banged
out the Parliamentary Act last week, making it
unlawful for anyone to use a hammer in or out
of their homes unless they hold a valid ‘hammer’
license.
The law follows an enquiry into
home-based accidents that revealed the hammer
to be the main causer of injuries among DIY-ers.
Please hammer don't
hurt 'em
The enquiry, conducted by household
gadget watchdog Off-tool has shown that the humble
hammer contributed to well over the half of the
420,000 and a half home improvement hurtings last
year, resulting in many a bruised finger nail,
and a lot of money spent on Elastoplasts' elastic
plasters.
Said Off-tool spokesman Ian
Plane: “Sure we get the odd broken back from
some idiot falling down off a ladders, or maybe
someone gets carried away with a power saw and
cuts a hand off. But that's sod all compared to
the sheer number of people banging their fingers
and thumbs with hammers.”
With the next Bank Holiday looming
on the horizon, the BBC is now filming a Bank
Holiday hammer safety special of Horizon
to raise the nation’s awareness of the potential
danger on the horizon in the shape of the hammers
they keep in their toolsboxes, and of course the
meat tenderisers in their kitchens.
Can't touch this
With immediate effect un-hammer-licensed
“do it myself” enthusiasts around the
country have no choice but to put down their favourite
tool, onto the nearest convenient floor.
Shelves waiting to go up on
walls will have to stay stacked up in the garage,
dangerous stairs will have to go unmended, walls
will probably fall over and tough steaks will
just have to remain chewy.
Homebase is said to be “shutting
up shop” and boarding up their doors (presumably
not with hammers), and Jewson is only going to
sell garden furnitures.
Bureaucratic
baloney
The hammer ban harks back to
the 1970s when the whole nation went onto a strike
after their households were invaded by government
bureaucracy hammering (not literally) on the door
with their "Bath Clever, Bath Safe"
pamphlets.
Old Labour, as New Labour was
then known, was alarmed at the number of people
slipping over in their baths and made it law for
everyone to fit seatbelts and airbags in their
tubs.
Hammer-nesty
The police will be holding “hammer
amnesties” across the country at various
MFI stores over the next few weekends. Anyone
bringing in a hammer will be entitled to a free
hard-heeled shoe and a packet of panel pins and
may have his or her picture taken with the policeman. |
