"Cheese & Onion - Great!" - David emerges more than just alright from his latest Beak St. stunt.   By the byline: News editor Vangard Roar is as sound as a pound that he found on the ground, in a pocket, at Ground Zero.

Cheesier than your average. And also onionier.

Mumbling tidy-faced magic man Craig David (pictured) was this morning found all collapsed on a pile of empty cardboard boxes in Beak Street, Soho, amid much speculation as to what in the hell’s tooth he was doing there, and also why.

It emerges that the quality, street magician had been trying to replicate his famous I’m Up A Big Stick stunt in which he famously stood up a big stick for a bit in New York’s juicy Big Apples – only this time doing it right here in England’s wet and somewhat smaller big London. But due to the lack of tall poles in the Soho hotspot, the charismatic “not a lot” illusionist had been forced to forgo the more vertiginous part of the stunt, and just do the falling onto boxes bit instead.

This isn’t the first time the muttering messiah man has chosen the street of Beak in which to do his tricks. For it was here in the winter of 1999 that David first performed his gruelling Frozen in Rhyme endurance stunt – in which he wrapped up warm and rapped in whispering non-stop sex narratives for 5 so-solid days.

But in choosing Beak Street for his latest venture it seems that David had forgotten one of the area’s most crucial byelaws. For it is well known, or it fucking well should be, that tall poles of any kind have been banned from Beak Street for safety reasons since 1969, when a hat standing out on a hat stand owned by outstanding pink playwright Joe Orton was shot down dead by a hat-hating trilby-basher, with a crossbow.

What’s your flava? Tell me what’s your flava?

Picking himself up and dusting the crumbs off his natty little beard in the early hours of this morning, David was pleased to announce to spectators that he was unharmed, and that the Walker’s Crisps boxes he had landed on had once contained cheese and onion flava, his firm favourite.