Story by: Neville Shark, religions writer, is so God damn God-fearing that he burns his own bush twice a day.

Soulless, overpriced poseur-pitched pub chain All Bar One has announced that it is sacking all of its “far too good looking’ bar staff and replacing them with monks and nuns.

The cloth-eared beer-moppers are being replaced by men and women of the cloth following the revelation that good-looking bar staff are far ruder to customers than ugly people, which monks and nuns invariably are.

Until now, the over-21s-only hell-holes have been the domain of haughty brunettes with perky breasts and boy-band blokes with natty twatty beards – neither of whom feel they need to try all that hard to be nice.

But now, as a pilot in Nuneaton has proved, Sisters are "doing it for themselves”, as well as for the pub’s under-21s customers, delivering a Sunday Service with a smile (only without the hymns, and every day) – as nuns and monks alike turn on the charm while pulling off the pints in a bid to avoid burning in Hell.

The celibate beer-sellers say they already feel “right at home” thanks to the chain’s previously irrelevant use of bum-numbing church furniture.

In the Nuneaton experiment, the new staff have dug themselves a vegetable plot in the gents' toilets and have introduced two new "fun" nun cocktails, the Hail Bloody Mary and the Whoopi Goldberg.

STOP PRESS..... Further All Bar NUN branches are planned for Nunhead, Whimple, Conventry, Monkton Keynes and of course Dibley.

Nun on the run

Escaped convict Robbie Coltrane is rumoured to have disguised himself as a nun and all All Bar One HR departments (bar one) are on a vodka red bull red alert.

The Pope must dye

Top catholic boss man "The Pope" has recently been seen buying a packet of Grecian 2000 from Boots the chemists, sparking rumours that he is not a natural grey.