Who's the bastard in the black? It's Colin Powell. Who's the bastard with the ball? Both of them.   Writer: Resident drug problem Jonny Moment has been reading between the lines he's been doing this month to come up with this newsclusive report.

War on terror moves to astroturf.

It looks like tanks are out and studs are in this Christmas in the war on terror, as Bush and the boy Laden plan to down guns and up laces for a big old World War One style kickabout armistice in No Man's Land.

Disagreement rages about the details, however, as the Pentagon and the bin Laden camp/cave remain at total loggerheads. Colin Powell and Alan Quaeda seem to be battling it out over these three key issues:

Where to host the kickabout:
Bin Laden wants the match to be held in the wastelands of a bombed Kabul hospital, whereas Bush is holding out for New York's Ground Zero. Tony Blair has offered The Millenium Dome.

Which version of "football" to play:
Bush was already dusting off his crash helmet when cleverer friends told him about the existence of soccer. Thrilled by the idea of the new sport, Bush quickly declared it American and rushed off to get a flag.

The line-up of the teams:
George and Osama are both keen to play opposite one another but both men want to play right wing.

Rig

Bush and bin Laden have been caught by Idiotica's satellite surveillance cameras in what appears to be some kind of top secret dress rehearsal.

"They were going at it one-on-one on an abandoned oil rig in the Indian Ocean," reports Idiotica's super-trooper paparazzo snooper Duncan Hedges.

"I saw old Bin Laden doing as many as 18 keepy-uppies - but double yer Bush just kept on picking up the ball and shouting something or other about huts."

Assuming the details are finalised in time, the event will be screened on Christmas Day at 3pm UK time - posing a direct challenge to Her Maj the Queen in the increasingly heated yuletide ratings war.