TV's Rolf and a doggy pal in happier days. Reporter: Morris Trotter is an experienced journalist with many words under his growing collection of belts. His fourth novel, Spastic Messiah, is published next month by Penguins. He has this story over there (right) for you right now.   "I stroke the animals, put a lot of love in with my hands. My animals have got sick. I know it's hard." - Harris

Didgeri-DON'T.

Waves of sheer, hot, white, blinding flash, bang, shock and fury rocked the very foundations of showbusiness this week, rendering the whole building shaky and almost certainly unfit for habitation. The cause of all this? ROLF HARRIS, that's who.

The painter-impersonater and beard wearing mess, who was thrown out of Australia in the 1960s has been accused of commiting acts of atrocity against innocent animals in the Oxford area.

It appears that, in an attempt to boost flagging ratings for his BBC show Animal Hospital, Mr Harris has been breaking into local pet owners' houses and has proceeded to injure said animals in increasingly cruel and unusal ways.

Mr Harris was apprehended by un-employed tea expert Mr Mallory Funk, who lives with two Siamese cats, Andrew and Goodfellow, in a Bungalow in Abingdon.

Mr Funk awoke at 4 in the morning last Tuesday to the sound of loud cat. He entered the kitchen and stumbled into a hellish scene. Harris had put Andrew into the washing machine - and was giving him a warm rinse. Mr Harris himself was stood there holding Goodfellow - and forcing him to watch his friend spin and drown.

	Harris's banned confessional memoir reads like a bastard

Harris fled immediately, yelling antipodean obscenities at the top of his voice. He was at it again the next day.

Top dentist Keith Teeth returned home after a busy day at the surgery to find Mr Harris in his flat murdering his rabbit Cleveland with a cheese grater. Mr Teeth questioned Harris about his behaviour and was promptly told to "go on and fuck right off".

Mr Teeth didn't go and fuck right off, rather he punched Rolf Harris on the beard, knocking him clean out. The police were duly called and they arrested the unconscious slapdash painter.

In custody, Harris confessed to 78 different crimes against animals - including putting a puppy called Martin in a fridge-freezer, the rape of a lamb called Ian, and the murder by crossbow of a duck.

Following the bad publicity, the BBC has cancelled the forthcoming series of Animal Hospital - but ITV has pencilled in a new series of Rolf's Cartoon Club.

STOP PRESS......
Whilst released on bail, Harris was apprehended yesterday attempting to tie a kangaroo down.