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MEATS Didgeri-DON'T Vegetarians: just what is their problem? Poof the magic wonder horse Blunkett flunks it Cock-a-doodle-DON'T Pun croc will never die We didn't let the cat out of the bag Don't look a gift horse in the gums Horse FACTS Armless and farmless Stars in their Eyries     OLD TOPICAL HAT Post Barrymortem Coupons of mass destruction OIL be the judge of that It ain't half racist, mum Cherie on top Cheggars plays pop to Jordan's mom Sept-Jenga 11th War on terror moves to astroturf War on words latest There's a war on, you moron Celebrity deathwave will hit in 2002     POLITICAL DOO-DAHS Le mot juste about to run out Stop hammer time The Thames they are a-changin' Silence of the mams Big hot political potatoes Who wears the ice caps? Prisoner, cell block VEG Whale meat again Missing peoples campaign LU Confidential Blair unveils vision for key-bored Britain     FOODS IN MOUTHS Big trouble in Little Chef Nero yet so far-o Is this the end of the clingfilm? Death of the Scotch Egg Pasta La Vista Mr Porky's telling porkies Things that you're liable to read in the Bible ain't nece-CELERY so A history of the pickle     SEXY FILTH Spearmint Wino club is a down-and-out success Craig Charles admits sex attack Gay pigeon shooting Going in is the new coming out Gay, said Fred From Playschool to GAY schools My son has got his hat on, hip hip hip he's gay     FILMS IN CINEMAS ASDA la vista, baby Fits like a Glover UK faces dwarf actor crisis Scooby-DON'T Guy Ritchie to direct Only Fools and Horses - the movie Gary Numan is the new Gary Oldman Caine unable 1984 "is dated" Dustin Rainman Dustin to dust Lock, stock and too scared to touch a spider Britain buys slice of American pie     MUSICS Songs in the Key of LIE Linda McCartney: Unfrozen Hard day's fake night for Bootleg Beatles Monkey see, Monkee DON'T All in a good Corrs Tits of an angel Bad news for Boy's Own fans The Breakfast of Champions Hip-hop chip shop is a hot tip for shit-hot chips     HEALTHY & SAFE Who wants to live forever? You must be smoking! Fon-DON'T Fondue fad fans fears of face fires Forget me, not Silence of the vegetables Hot tips for avoiding cold turkey Old people keep on dying Time you got a crime watch Kathman-DON'T Olympical-sized disappointments Dead man speeding     TRENDY FASHIONS Spastic fantastique Lactic fantastique There's olds in them there hills The future's so bright I've got to wear AIDS Hitchcock in hat shock Zebra cross dressings Incest "IN" Death of the teaspoon Left-handers left with no shop A quick history of boredom Soupy tit wank Hair-DON'T Cycling mask epidemic in Hong Kong     PARANORMORAMA Stranger things have happened Cheesier than the average Rival hypnotists in Beak St brawl Every sin's gonna be alright Ouija BORED All Bar Nun Cheeses CHRIST The true history of Crossmas Burning boy found in skip     SCIENCE & TECH KNOWLEDGES In space no one can hear you dunk Fee, fie, foe, THUMBS The numbers just don't add up Catman, DON'T Broadband Britain off to bad start-up Stutter me up! Web sights for the blind Dog watch batch botch Tock-a-doodle-DON'T Man harnesses eel-ectricity 3G jamboree gives Bee Gees heebie-jeebies     UK TELEVISION & SHOWBIZBUZZ Blue Peter's blue tits-up Forsyth's Aga And and Why shot Richard MOODeley Three, two, GUN Big Baby Crying over lost Diana funeral footage Wogan dead TFI Evans Countdown nights Wogan in panto shocker Super sick DJ Too little, too Late Late Breakfast Show Oh I do like to be beside the suicide

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