Silence of the vegetables.
Life-support patients, classed
as severely brain-damaged, mentally subnormal
or just plain hopelessly hospitalised, are set
to get new support from two chefing celebs in
order to escape that whole "cabbage"
label, in what’s already been dubbed the"anti-brassica
massacre".
Our government, for it is them,
ever eager to please even the most indifferent
members of society, have implemented a new NHS
initiative in conjunction with two of our topper
most famous foodies to improve the range of veg-based
descriptions for patients who are stuck right
slap bang wallop in the middle of a vegetative
state.
Wicked bit of
Double-heading the enterprise
are TV’s tip-top shit hot fake-tanner mockney
spanner Jamie Oliver, and erstwhile Eastender
and veg-virtuoso Peter Beale (who played virtuous
vegetable Pete Beale for a while in Eastenders)
- both of whom are fed right up with the limited
leguminous lexicon of lunacy.
"These poor people may
be speechless vegetables, right yeah? But why
are they always called like cabbages?"
lisped Jamie. "There are so many funky veg
around these days. What about some nice aubergine,
or a big bit of pumpkin?"
The strategy will depend on
a high profile TV advertising campaign currently
in production featuring Oliver and Beale in Walford’s
oh-so Albert Square. Jamie speculates which vegetable
he would choose to be named after - should the
worst happen and he become a brain-deteriorated
dullard after a horrific moped accident - while
Pete proffers up half a pound of peas and
a punnet of parsnips.
Disappointed
actually at
So far however the government
is said to be "really disappointed actually"
at the apathetic response from the degenerate
patients it is attempting to help, and the future
of the project is in doubt.
Said health minister Alan Milburn
"There really is an unbelievable sense of
lethargy and idleness on the part of the patients
in this scheme, with nary a word of support or
gratitude. This is just the sort of silent, thankless
response we didn’t expect."
Nut the first time
they've
done this sort of thing
The first
official NHS patient re-branding scheme by the
Conservative government began in 1983, when ministers
broke the different strains of barminess into
different nut types.
Brazil nut
– plain insane
Hazelnut – borderline psychotic
Wallnut – severely unhinged
Peanut – loony juice Jones
Pistachio – crazy legs crane
STOP
PRESS... A similar proposal in
conjunction with the Terence Higgins trust to
help ageing queers get away from the label ‘old
fruit’ has since been scrapped. |
