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You must be smoking!
Smug
faced, pink-lunged baffoons everywhere felt their
cosy little worlds fall around inside their ears
this week when the findings of an extensive six
day investigation into the effects of non-smoking
were revealed. Complicated and extensive and expensive
experiments carried out by white-coaters at Bristol
University have confirmed what most of us have
suspected for years already - that smoking
all fags none of the time is even worse for you
than smoking some fags all of the time.
The whole "health"
arena (encompassing coughing, yellow-finger, cancer
etc.) was ignored, allowing scientists to focus
on the more interesting, human aspects of the
smoking issue. In-depth studies in to the personalities
of non-smokers were undertaken, involving role-playing
exercises and all night speak’n'spell sessions.
The results are, in a word, really really amazing
results. Non-smokers are now officially:
(1) Less intelligent
- 20 IQ points lower on average
(2) Less amusing -
only 1 in 10 non-smokers could remember a joke
the whole way through
(3) Less interesting
- weary scientists had to slap each other round
the chops in an effort to stay awake
(4) Less dynamic - most
non-smokers need 14 hours sleep a day
Furious non-smokers have been
up in arms. Famous Scottish non-smoker and bone-thin
freak Ally McBeal is outraged. She phoned Idiotica
from her plush apartment in America’s New
York City.
"These
results are sticky shit" she ranted. Strong
words indeed, but years spent not smoking
could have already damaged her personality beyond
repair.
That's all my news. Big up yourselfs.
Nicky Gull |
