Fondue fad fans flames of fears
of face fires. As
Britain's underclass burns its sticky fucking
fingers on sparklers and fireworks this November,
here at Idiotica Towers we turns our attentions
to the REAL danger in our middle-class midst.
Yes, of course. It's THE FONDUE.
We’ve heard the news, we’ve
seen the ads: “Fondue is the now FUN DO!”
And so it would seem. The whispered words coming
out of the lips of those in the know and into
the ears of those who don't is “melt some
cheese - it's a riot!” But with all these
fun-loving people taking up the Swiss cheese challenge
like water off a duck's back, the question must
be - do they have any idea of how risky fondue
eating can be?
Here's a few pointers in the
right direction to make sure you don’t get
into any bad sticky-cheese bother this year.
1) Never have a fondue event
outside.
Fondues are for indoor pleasure only. If you want
to eat outside, go to Australia and have a fucking
barbecue.
2) Adhere strictly to the
instruction in your fondue manual.
Overfilling of your fondue can result hot cheesy
flames igniting your tablecloth (as happened
to TV’s famous Henry Kelly). This in itself
is a fire hazard, and no-one likes to call the
emergency services, except for fun.
3) Do not leave unattended.
An unattended fondue set can cause security alerts
and might cause your house to be evacuated, especially
if it's near a train station.
4) Do not over heat
your fondue.
Human lips and tongues are not made of asbestos
and won’t be for at least another 10 years.
Hot sticky cheese around your food hole can result
in burning, scarring and permanent disfigurement.
Simon Weston is a noble fellow but would you really
like a face like his? |
