Fon-DON'T. Investigations
by top firemen in yellow hats have proved conclusively
that the recent blaze which gutted presenter Henry
Kelly’s house on London’s swinging Beak
Street was caused by an unattended fondue set.
Red-faced Mr.Kelly initially
neglected to mention that he was having a fondue
evening proper on the night in question, and in
fact tried to blame the fire on his brother Matthew
Kelly whose Stars in Their Eyes success
he resents.
The inferno, which wiped out
Mr.Kelly’s home as well as two other buildings,
even singed the side of Cairo Jack’s before
it was extinguished by brave men with long hoses.
Fortunately Idiotica Towers escaped the
blaze.
It transpires that Going for
Gold star Kelly had invited his sister Lorraine
and two close friends of his around for a "fun
do" with a fondue, but had grown agitated
when they failed to materialise by eleven p.m.
- two hours later than arranged.
Angered Kelly is alleged to
have lit the burner beneath the fondue pot with
every intention of consuming the emmental and
gruyere treat by himself, but to have then made
the mistake of sitting down on a bean-bag to sulk,
and drinking a pint of neat sherry. Unconscious
Kelly was unconscious as the pan of ferociously
hot cheese began to bubble over in the next room,
firemen speculate. "As Kelly sat there in
a stupor in his dressing gown, boiling cheese
must have flowed onto his linen table cloth, which
no doubt ignited immediately, and hot cheesey
flames would soon have been raging," one
brave firefighter said.
The news comes only one week
after food-safety expert Appley Hairington's claims
that the fondue is the single biggest threat to
the eating person since Space Dust. For his part,
shamed Mr.Kelly says he has learned his lesson
and plans to "stick to cheese on toast in
the future" - just like the rest of us.
IT"S A FONDUE
FACT!
Fondues were invented in Switzerland
in 50 B.C. and became fashionable in the mid seventies
when pint-sized lunatic show-off Evil Knievel
had the whole world holding its breaths as
it watched his outlandish fondue stunts. The cheese
turned sour in 1979 though when popstar Paul
Simon got his fingers burnt trying to retrieve
a hunk of pork from a pan of boiling oil.
The practice died down in popularity
in the 1990s, until recently when it has seemed
that anyone who is anyone is fon-doing it. Tony
Slattery is said to eat almost nothing else,
and Roman Keatings from pop group Boy’s
Own loves nothing more than poking about in a
lot of runny cheese. |
