Time you got a crime watch.
A stupid amount of “far
too many” human people’s bodies have
been found in and around the UK during the past
month. With help from Her Majesty’s Police
force, Idiotica went out and about and investigated
them for crimes, and tagged the toes of a few
John DON’Ts.
The case of
an overworked dad
Police were
called round to a house in Chester on Tuesday
16th after a body was discovered in the kitchen.
Jisty Sweet, a teenager who lived there, had just
come home from school to discover the body of
a man sticking out from the oven. Suspecting the
worst she phoned the police who said they’d
“be round in a bit”.
Ms Sweet was soon blushing
after she realised her dad was not gassing himself
dead at all but had been trying to mend the cooker,
from the inside, and had fallen asleep. She has
already written a letter to the police saying
“Hello, very sorry, yes”, and they’re
now not coming over any more.
A corpse in
the canal
The body of Chris Fleece,
an unemployed fishingman from Solihull was found
by Midlands water police at the bottom of a Birmingham
canal last week. When they dragged his body out
of the murky waters and took it to the mortuary,
Mr Fleece told the coroners to “sod off”
and said he had been collecting whelks to feed
his dog, Michael, and had lost track of time and
fallen asleep.
Onto a winner
The charred remains of the
recently deceased Lord Quigley have been found
deposited in a number of locations along the Dorset
coast. An investigation has been put into motion
as to how someone could have burnt his body so
thoroughly and then scattered the ashes all over
such a big distance. An urn also containing deposits
of the burnt Mr Quigley has been found at his
late home in sleepy Hertfordshire. Police were
hoping to speak to his widowed wife over dinner
but she’s done a runner, with Michael Winner,
in a Rover.
Oh we do like to
be beside the suicide
One Hugh Ruth-Rendell, a milkman
from Cardiff has been found hanging by a rope
in the Welsh mountains. Family members had become
worried after Mr Ruth-Rendell, who suffers from
“the depressions”, went off, on his
own, up a big hill and didn’t come back for
“what seemed like ages”. A mountain
rescue team was sent up to retrieve the body,
only to find it snoring. Apparently Mr Ruth-Rendell
was enjoying a spot of rock climbing, on his doctor’s
orders, and had fallen asleep.
If you have informations
on these or other crimes, or if you just want
to have a chat about the weather, don’t hesitate
to contact the police on 999.
Until next time then, don’t
have nightmares, and do sleep. Or don't: we couldn't
give a fuck. |
