Guy Ritchie to direct Only Fools
and Horses - the movie. Noncy
silver-spooner turned 'knowing' cockney gangster
film director Guy Richteas has stunned the normally
boisterous world of film into relative silence
this week with the announcement of his new project,
a big budget Hollywood version of Only Fools and
Horses.
Potato-faced, grumpy shit Robert
De Niro has already signed a multi-million pound
deal to star as Derrick "Del-boy" Trotter,
and has in fact already moved to London twice
to begin his famously exhaustive character research.
My showbiz spies have spotted
De niro on a number of occasions now (two). Last
Wednesday he was seen wandering around Peckham
market with a Super 8 camera, and he narrowly
escaped arrest over the weekend when he stole
an apple from a shop and hid it under his hat.
Taking his new role no less
seriously is dashing blonde bed-wetter Leonardo
DiCaprio. Leo has landed the role of a lifetime
in Del's retarded younger brother Rodney. The
15 year-old superstar has been working with children
with learning difficulties in Bermondsey in a
brave bid to capture the cow-witted, lumbering
charm of his character, who he has been told by
Ritchie should be a "dipstick".
Other hot properties are chomping
at their bits to play the supporting roles. Sir
Richard Attenborough has auditioned for the part
of Uncle Albert - Del and Rodney's rum-swilling,
beard-toting ex-mariner relative; although problems
could occur when filming as Sir Attenborough suffers
from a skin condition that prevents him from travelling
further east than Tower Bridge. Unfortunately
for Sir Rick, most of the scenes are to be shot
in Walford.
The coup do grace for
Ritchie though must be that he has netted none
other than Jack "big head, small hat"
Nicholson to play the key role of Boycie
- a smooth-talking, high-flying cigar-wielding
businessman. In the film, Boycie and his wife
Marleeeen (Julia Roberts) attempt to dog-nap the
greyhound from Derrick - with hilarious results!
They substitute a man in a greyhound suit (played
by the director's real-life brother Shane) for
the real dog - but Derrick and Rodney see through
this little scam.
I don't want to give too much
away though, you'll have to wait for the finished
article. Suffice to say, it's going to be another
cracker from Ritchie whose previous efforts have
shown so much fucking promise. |
