Spastic fantastique.
After centuries spent languishing
and thrashing around in invalid impotence, incompetence
and disregard, it appears that those of us of
a crippled "bent" have finally hit upon
our moment of glory – albeit with typically
uncertain and twitchy movements.
For the latest craze in fashionable
oh-so-London is the out and out celebration of
the spastic.
Although it's unclear just
why London has decided that Joeys are the new
Bowies, it is widely believed that new wife of
Beatles star, Stella McCartney, started the ball
rolling 3 weeks ago when she was seen by dozens
affecting a limp on a cat-walk in a blue hat drinking
a Red Bull.
Poe-faced intellectual slumpster
Will Self was next. He was promoting his latest
short story collection Trembling Hand/Spilt
Drink in a television interview when he began
to adopt a ferocious facial tic. Presenter Melvin
Bragg chose to ignore the violent head-twitching
but had to get a bit cross when Self stood up
and showered him in dribble whilst swiping inexplicably
at the air above his head.
Rocking
In the days that followed it
quickly became clear that the capital was in the
grip of a 'special person' fever. From Hoxton
back rooms to Mayfair lobbies, everyone is now
seizing on seizure.
According to the Guardian's
Wheelchair Chic style pages last Saturday,
clubs (such as Covent Garden’s Apoplexia)
have opened up in which trendy young men and ladies
drink warm tea and sit in big armchairs rocking
back and forwards. The more adventurous may affect
a fit in Spaz Gerard, or even be seen at
St.Vitus’ Dancefloor spasming and
jerking about on their backs like mental beached
seals.
Celebrity
crips have not been slow to cash in on the craze.
Eggbound robotboy nonce Stephen Hawking has brought
out his own range of accessories, including bespoke
nappies and baseball caps with biros attached
to the peak to allow the handycapper to type with
his or her head.
Shaking
The BBC has announced
a new chatshow, Parkinsons, which will
be hosted by Michael J Fox and Dudley Moore. Each
week they will interview a different celebrity
dribbler – the first guest lined up is ex
Superman Christopher Reeve, who is currently promoting
Cretiniste, his authentic-smelling spaz
aftershave composed of a mixture of TCP and piss.
All in all, there's never been
a better time to be physically or mentally disabled
- so whether you're a spaz or a cripple or a mongoloid,
get yourselves (as best you can) into London,
and take advantage.
Spazzing it in the
regions
Posh nightclubs,
themed chatshows and junkie authors are one thing.
However real people in real lives are quite another.
The question is: has this fad leaked through to
the common person?
The answer is;
yes it has done that, yes. The micro scooter which
was the height of raging fash just 6 months ago
for the simple-minded and easily-led has been
replaced by the micro wheelchair. These nifty
little bits of home spac-out kit fold up into
a briefcase shaped brick and cost as little as
£500 from Argos. Instant cred! |
