Roseanne's grown her own Lanford lunchbox. It's a great big tit! Old man Gary has been licking this young woman for weeks in a bid to recapture his good looks. From hers.   Writer lady: By top-heavy titilator Greta Hogg, keeping you a "breast" of the latest devel-lip-ments.

Lactic fantastique.

The latest Hollywooden fad for American people attempting to keep their youths on their plastic faces has shaken the very hills in which they live up a bit, and down a bit further. In a new bid not to become old biddies (or old biddies’ buddies), these rich US citizens are lapping up a new youth-preserving liquid that can reduce the process of ageings and turn back clocks to earlier on that day.

Boffins say they have known for ages that people who suckle milks out of their mother’s pert nipples for sustenance tend to be younger than those who don’t. But now, through the use of scientists, it has been proven that babies that are taken off their mummy’s milk bags and fed cow’s milk sooner than those that are not have been growing up faster than those that haven’t done that thing.

The “cream” of the crop of old-faced actors think this news is udderly tit-tastic. Previously teet-total madwoman Liza Minelli has reportedly hired a pregnant lady’s bosom to fill a fresh pint glass at every mealtime, whilst Lanford’s finest loose meater Roseanne Barr has got herself a bun in her oven just so that she can suckle on her own massive bosom.

Such is the demand for breast’s milk now among Hollywood’s plastically surgical elite that money-strapped mothers (mainly in Mexico) are selling up their hot fresh milk breasts for lots of dollars and spoon-feeding their own babies cheap freeze dried milk made by Nestlé instead.

However not every Hollywood hopeful is joining in. Experienced time-jumper Scott Bakula has said he doesn't mind looking old, thank you very much for asking.