Vernon on the ridiculous: Kay's big retro hairs.   Coiffure: By skin, nails and hairs expert Greta Hogg. She knows nothing about teeth, though.

Hair-DON'T.

Top retro northerner and Chris Evans’ cunt-double Vernon Kay has been the subject of a dressing down by upmarket hairdressers wearing dressing gowns, Idiotica can reveal today using these very words you’re reading now via this very Internet today here.

The bum-faced T4 monkey-man was accosted during a recent grocery-shopping trip in London’s up-and-COMBing hairdo Mecca of Beak Street when the accosting happeneded.

Ten of Charles Worthington’s top stylish head-top trimmers who had been crouching in wait in rows, in Waitrose, in what can only be described as some sort of gay posh ambush, pounced on the “Babe or Minger” minger and dragged him into their salon by his big, shit hairs.

The stylists then proceeded to execute their plan: washing down, cutting up and blowing off dry Kay’s stupid mopping messy mish-mash of modishly mod-type hairs while chatting to him inanely about “product” (singular, always). Kay was then released – unharmed, if a little itchier.

Idiotica says… The length of Kay’s hair was certainly Vernon on the ridiculous and the hairdressers were right to SCISSOR their chance to RAKE matters into their own hands and grab Kaye by the short and CURLERS. We only hope this SNIPS a TRIM-endously CUT AND DRY message to other celebrity stars who are in PERM-anent in-FRINGE-ment of COMB sort of CUT of conduct hook, line and CLIPPERS. Yes.