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Cider is not drunk by country bumpkins as
is thought to be done by most of everyone. All sorts
of funny people drink ciders and usually
the best of them. Simon and Matthew Oakley’s
son included. Cider can be put itself
into two categories, the scrumpy and the not so
scrumpy. Scrumpy is made from stolen apples (apples
which have been scrumped, see?) and is put in
barrels with rat shit and badger droppings.
This is drunk by village idiots to make them
more so. It can weaken the legs and make you make
footballs out of pigs bladders to kick until the
cows come home in the next village but one.
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Not so scrumpy cider is better for you
if you drink it, but you’ll still feel like
you are hanging over into the next day however
much you drink of it.
Legally picked apples are pressed and punched
before being squeezed into big bottles for your
conscrumption. Avoid any association with arrows
and Jonnhy Vaughn.
When ordering
cider in a pub always say “Cider
me up landlord!” and he’ll probably
hit you in your drunk face, so don’t. |
| DRINKS FACT:
There was an old lady who swallowed Sean Ryder.
He wriggled and wriggled and wriggled in cider.
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