|
 |
 |
| ............................Oddie's
Studies!.............................. |
|
| As I say it’s not
all just birds, bodywarmers, binoculars, beards,
brown, bad sketch shows and big beach ball
bellies with me. I also like a bit of brain
exercise.
|
|
|
| When all the birds are hibernating,
Bill Oddie too retreats inside his warm nest
with plenty of nuts (pecans, from Waitrose)
and I get to work on my theories. The BBC
have shown little interest in Oddie’s
studies so far, neither have my fellow Goodies.
Not even the Goonies were particularly interested,
although Chunk did write back. |
|
|
| Mainly though I just do it
for my birds, sharing my innermost thoughts,
theories and posh nuts with my well-travelled
and best friends. |
|
|
Here
are abstracts from my three most influential
(and much discussed!) white papers. I don’t
want to give too much away in case people
steal my ideas!
Or
my birds. |
|
|
|
 |
|
| .....PAPER
#1: .ALL BEES ARE TERRORISTS...... |
| I’ve got a bee in my bonnet
about terrorism. Far from the hard-working
breakfast time pals of mankind, I have set
out to prove (and successfully!) that bees
are sponging off the state and terrorising
my birds with their noisy buzzing, fat knees,
and loud stripy jumpers. In my paper I exclusively
reveal that honey is a cover
story, and these winged warmongers’
homes (their so-called ‘bee and bee'
temporary accommodation) are in fact hives
of terror activity. Deep inside their
honeycomb hideouts, I reveal, they are building
terrorist cells planning
to unleash a series of stinging attacks aimed
at birds and the freedom they represent with
their feathers etc. Yes! Bees and birds may
share the same airspace. Yes, they both have
wings, of a sort. But, Oddie argues, that’s
where the similarities end and bees, I conclude,
are back garden fundamentalists in our midstses.
Bzz bzz. |
|
|
| ....#2:
ALL LONDON’S PIGEONS ARE GOING GAY... |
| In this paper Bill Oddie examines
the total lack of any baby pigeons whatsoever
anywhere in London (have you
ever seen one?) and jump to the only (and
correct!) conclusion – that London’s
famous grey birds are engaging in gay on gay
sex."Why is this hapening?” my
paper asks, and uncovers evidence that because
pigeons parrot people, the pigeons are being
badly and wrongly influenced by the concentrated
(bad and wrong) gay community of London’s
oh so Soho. Gay pigeons are a menace,
I reveal. No better than
rats with wings, in cowboy hats, they are
filthy and they spread disease.
In this paper, Oddie encourages readers to
petition Soho council to build a race track
or football pitch in Soho Square (near swinging
Beak Street) to attract more heterosexy people
back to the area in the hope that the copycat
effect can be reversed, and the pigeons will
go all normal again. Failing that we are going
to have to shoot them, a little bit like clay
pigeons. |
|
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
| ...#3:
ALL BIRDS ARE TALKING ABOUT BILL ODDIE... |
This paper ruffled a few feathers
when I first presented it, but I stand by
its central themes. All birds are
talking about me, I hypothesise (and
convincingly too!). They are sarcastic
to Bill Oddie and rude behind his back. They
are two-beaked, fair-weathered faux
feathery fake friends who are plotting
to confuse Bill Oddie and to drive him quackers.
Of course like all good ornitheorists I back
these ideas up with hard birdwatching data,
citing two key incidents.
1)
The magpies trying to get at my heroin.
I reveal how one of the magpies (Derek)
flew at me and put its beak around my makeshift
tinfoil pipe in a carefully planned raid involving
a triple-chaffinch decoy.
2)
The wrens singing ‘Funky Gibbon’
in a derisory way.
Mr and
Mrs Wren chose the cruelest moment to whistle
my famous tune with deliberately incorrect
scansion– mocking Bill Oddie openly
as he slumped in a helpless opiate haze on
his favourite conservatory chair. |
|
|
|
| I'm tawny. I'm tawny tawny tawny tonight.
To request a copy of any of my papers just stick it on
my bill
board! |
|
 |
|
|
|
